kiera will be 10 months soon, she is my life. but yet i still like there is something missing. i just had my 21st birthday about four weeks ago, i have been single since the day of my 20th birthday. there has only been one guy who hit on me since then and that was in september, i didnt like him like that. he told one of my best friends that i slept with him when i never did! i hate it when guys try to say that i slept with them when i dont! since my ex and i broke up on my birthday last yr i havent paid much attention to guys. i mean there r three guys that i like right now. but one has a girlfriend already so he is forever crossed off my list. the other two guys i dont know if they have girlfriends, i like them both, and they both absolutly love my daughter! but as i have found each time i think about just throwing all caution out the door and acting on the feelings that i have toward the guy, i realise how stupid im being. just because the guy says he loves my daughter doesnt mean that he's going to want to go out with me! i have found that i am nothing but a worthless piece of fucking crap! i'm a burden to my parents and to my friends! i have no job and i have no life! no matter how much i love my daughter and no matter how much i pray for guidence it just doesnt seem to be enough! my dad wants money that i cant give because all the money i get from my cash aid goes for my daughter! it's bad enough that i had no choice but to give my dad my last 100 bucks and that made it so that i had to ask friends if i could borrow money so that i could get more formula for kiera because stupid wic didnt give me enough cans to last a month! everyday im putting on a face so that to my parents and my friends i look like nothings really wrong when just below the surface im a fucking wreck! i feel like im losing control on my sanity every single day! every day i feel like im going further into my dark whole of my depression! my heart feels cold as ice like theres nothing that can ever make it warm and whole again! i guess thats what i get for letting the guy i love have a second chance and then all i get in return is my heart destroyed for the second god damn mother fucking time!!!!!!!!!!!!
i hate life and wish my life would end cause its worthless and has no fucking meaning! im nothing but a fuckin burden to everyone! i dont sleep anymore and i never let myself cry anymore! no matter how much i may need to cry i dont because i dont need my mom asking whats wrong because as soon as that happens im just gonna end up exploding and basically biting her head off because i've been bottling everything up again! during the summer i thought i was doing ok but as it got closer to my birthday and even now after my birthday im nothing but a wreck all over again! the memories of when i was with my ex keep crowding my mind again when i do sleep i wake up bowling my eyes out because remembering him is painful becaus ei loved him with all my heart soul and being and what does he do even when he said he loved me and even said that he may want to marry me someday he goes and destroys my heart and goes back to his ex. and they've been together ever since which is a little over a yr now! i just want the pain to go away and to leave me alone! i want the memories to go away and never come back! im so alone and i fear being alone! i fear getting hurt again i dont want to hurt anymore! i thought i was past this pain i thought i was going to be able to live with this and move on but knowing that no matter what i do. i will never be loved yea my daughter may be loved by everyone but it doesnt mean that i am. sure im loved as a friend but thats all i am to anyone. im nothing but a friend guys dont persue me because guys dont like me as anything more than a friend! i am so sick and fuckin tired of being nothing but a god damn friend to everyone!i have needs too! i havent been held by someone special in so long that im starting to forget what it even feels like to be held by someone special!i havent felt comfort in so long that i dont even remember what it feels like to be comfortable!